


I Never

by thealphagate_archivist, Xochiquetzl



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Angst, Drama, First Time, Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-04
Updated: 2006-03-04
Packaged: 2019-02-02 05:05:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12720219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thealphagate_archivist/pseuds/thealphagate_archivist, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xochiquetzl/pseuds/Xochiquetzl
Summary: Secrets are revealed when SG-1 plays the drinking game "I Never."





	I Never

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

"No," Daniel said. "Absolutely not." He crossed his arms stubbornly, refusing to sit. 

"Aw, c'mon," Sam pleaded, already seated at Jack's kitchen table. "It'll be fun!" 

"It's never been fun before," Daniel complained. 

"I have never heard of this game," Teal'c interjected, sitting at the table across from Sam. "Please explain it to me." 

"It's a drinking game," Jack explained, placing a tray loaded with beers, mugs, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a stack of shot glasses in the center of the table. "The point is that you get really drunk really fast." He sat and started pouring shots. 

"It's not the getting drunk part to which I object," Daniel said, and sighed. "The game works like this, Teal'c: We take turns telling everyone something we've never done before. For example, I dunno, I could say, 'I've never had sex on a plane.'" 

"You've never had sex on a plane?" Jack asked in mock disbelief. 

Daniel sighed heavily and continued. "If the others have done the thing you just announced you've never done, they have to take a drink." 

"I'll drink to that!" Jack announced, taking a swig of beer. 

"Let him finish," Sam scolded. 

"Thank you," Daniel said, in a definitely schoolteacherish, can-we-please-continue-the-lecture tone. "Allegedly, the first person to pass out loses. However, it usually ends with one or more people being too embarrassed to continue." 

"Too embarrassed?" Teal'c asked. 

"Well, yeah; by drinking or not drinking you're tacitly admitting you have or have not done what they're asking. Sometimes it gets a little personal." 

"Only if you do it right!" Jack announced. 

"So, you make personal confessions of your inexperience in various matters in an attempt to force your companions to drink to unconsciousness?" Teal'c asked, thoughtfully, wondering if he was somehow missing the point. 

"Um, well, yeah. Basically." Daniel blushed. "It's kind of a dumb game." 

"It's kind of a **fun** game," Jack retorted. "You get stinking drunk, learn all sorts of deep, dark, sordid secrets about your friends, and forget them all by morning." 

"Do you even drink, Teal'c?" Daniel asked. 

"I do not," Teal'c answered. Daniel's relief was obvious. 

"Do you not drink because you can't, because you don't want to, or because you've never tried it?" Jack asked. 

"It is not the custom for Jaffa to consume alcohol." 

"Custom, shmustom," Jack said. "Don't knock it till you try it. It'll be fun!" 

"I agree that it's a fun game, but I suspect we need to establish ground rules. I mean, Daniel does have a point about the embarrassment factor," Sam offered. "I think we should agree in advance that anything revealed stays in this room." She looked up at Daniel to see if the condition met with his approval. 

"We should also agree 'No hard feelings,'" Daniel added. "I mean, I've seen the game get ugly, and we can all be pretty competitive..." 

"Competitive? I just **know** you don't mean **me** ," Jack said innocently. 

"I suppose it will not harm me to attempt your game on this occasion," Teal'c said. 

"That leaves you, Danny. C'mon. It'll be fun," Jack wheedled. 

Daniel sat down at the table, muttering something about "not knowing why" and "roped into these things." 

"Would you like to start, Daniel?" Sam offered hopefully. 

"Yeah, fine," he sighed. A moment later, a faint smirk curled his lips. "I've never been a Host." The other three groaned and took a sip of beer. 

"Teal'c?" Sam prodded. 

"I have never played this game before," Teal'c offered impassively. The other three took a drink. 

"I've never had sex on a plane," Jack said teasingly. No one drank. 

"Go fish," Daniel answered. Jack grinned. 

"'Go fish'?" Teal'c asked. 

"Wrong game," Daniel explained. 

"I've never had sex with a woman," Sam offered. 

"Y'know, I think you should define your terms," Jack said, waggling his eyebrows at her suggestively. 

"I beg your pardon?" 

"I want to hear how you define having sex with a woman. I mean, you know, since you're a woman your definition might be different than mine," Jack said innocently. "I just want to make sure no one accidentally weasels out." 

"Don't ask, don't tell, sir," Sam said with a grin. 

"I'm allowed to request clarification. Isn't that right, Danny?" 

"Sorry, Sam." At her dirty look, he added, "I don't believe him either, but... yes, he can ask for clarification." 

Sam thought about it for a moment. "Um, okay, how about consensual, sensual genital contact intended for the mutual pleasure of all parties..." 

Jack's eyes glazed over and he waved his hand. "Okay, I get it," he interrupted. "Geez, how can you make sex all boring like that? Scientists!" He took a swig of beer, and Daniel and Teal'c followed suit, Daniel and Sam rolling their eyes. 

"You know, Jack, technical knowledge isn't necessarily a bad thing," Daniel commented. 

"What he said," Sam confirmed. 

"Yeah, yeah, I have plenty of technical skills. Like not talking the girl's ear off instead. That's a skill." 

Daniel caught Jack's eye, and slowly, deliberately, said, "I never learned to fly." Jack cussed and took a swig of beer. Sam snickered as she drank. Teal'c only raised an eyebrow as he drank. 

"I have never owned a pet," Teal'c announced. The other three groaned as they drank. 

"I've never had sex with a man," Jack teased. 

"Please define your terms," Sam teased. "I think I want to know how you define having sex with a man." She waggled her eyebrows suggestively in an impressive imitation of Jack's earlier behavior. 

"Aw, screw that," Jack said. "The definition is, if you think it's sex, it's sex." 

Sam shrugged and drank obligingly before noticing that Daniel was blushing. Teal'c shrugged and drank. Jack's eyes grew wide as Daniel drank as well. He caught Daniel's eyes, and Daniel stared back defiantly, double-daring Jack to say a single word. Jack looked over at Teal'c, who was as impassive as ever. "Damn, a home run," Jack muttered. 

"I see I'm off to an impressive start," Daniel muttered. Sam patted his arm comfortingly. 

"I never..." Sam started. "I've never taken drugs." 

"Define drugs," Jack said. 

"You know what I mean," Sam retorted. Jack sighed and drank. Daniel shrugged and drank, too. 

Daniel sighed, blush slow to fade. "Uh, I've never been a soldier." The other three groaned and lifted their glasses. "Sorry," he said with a mischievous grin. 

"Are not," Jack retorted. 

"I have never attended human college," Teal'c said. The other three groaned and reached for their glasses. 

"I've never studied Egyptology," Jack said, looking directly at Daniel, who gave him a dirty look over his glass. 

"I've never been married," Sam observed. The other three rolled their eyes, groaned and drank. 

"I've never worn women's undergarments," Daniel said. 

"Gee thanks!" Sam said, and drank. Jack lifted his glass. "Sir?" 

"What?" he said defiantly. "It was a hazing thing." He drank. 

"I have never attended the Air Force academy," Teal'c said. Sam and Jack exchanged a look as they drank. 

"I've never worked for Apophis," Jack retorted, looking directly at Teal'c, who smirked and drank. 

"I was never used as a Goa'uld procreation aid," Sam smirked. Jack and Daniel turned on her, fixing her with baleful looks as they drank. Teal'c also drank. 

"I can't believe I almost had your baby," Jack teased Daniel. 

"Do you HAVE to remind me?" Daniel winced. "I've never had sex with a superior officer," Daniel said, giving Sam and Jack a suspicious look, but the only one who drank was Teal'c. Sam blushed, however. 

"I have never attended elementary school on earth," Teal'c said. They all drank, grumbling about unfair advantage. 

"I've never given a lecture on Egyptology," Jack said. 

"I'll get you for that," Daniel retorted, drinking. 

"I've never had sex with multiple partners," Sam said. Jack drank. 

"I've never watched Bass fishing on TV," Daniel said. Jack drank. 

"I've never been a linguist!" Jack retorted, interrupting Teal'c. Daniel drank. Teal'c opened his mouth to speak, but... 

"I've never taped years' worth of General Hospital!" Daniel countered. 

"How the fuck do you know that?" Jack demanded. "You goin' through my stuff, Space Monkey?" 

"The tapes are sitting right over there, Jack." 

"They could be my ex-wife's..." 

"And she didn't take them with her?" Daniel challenged. They stared each other down for a moment. 

"Asshole," Jack muttered good-naturedly, drinking. 

"Hey, buddy, you out me, I out you," Daniel teased back. 

"I'd rather admit to having had a male lover. So much for my macho image!" 

"Is the impromptu round of 'sudden death' over?" Sam asked. 

"For the time being," Jack said reluctantly. 

"I have never rented an apartment," Teal'c offered. 

As everyone but Teal'c drank, Jack observed, "Has anyone else noticed Teal'c isn't getting very drunk?" Teal'c returned his gaze, an inscrutable expression on his face. "Fine. I've never **wanted** to have sex with a superior officer." Teal'c and Sam drank, Sam blushing. 

"I've never had sex on the first date," Sam offered. Jack and Daniel both drank, Daniel blushing slightly. 

"Didn't you get married on the first date, Danny?" Jack asked. 

"Didn't you, sir?" Sam teased. 

"You know that superior officer question?" Daniel asked innocently, pointedly ignoring Jack's question. "I just realized that I've never had a superior officer." 

"Hey!" Jack sputtered indignantly. "What am I? Chopped liver?" 

"No, I'm a civilian, flyboy. That makes you the pointy-haired boss!" 

"I am **not** the pointy-haired boss!" 

"Sure you are," Daniel replied. "He's even a technophobe like you." 

Jack opened his mouth to rebut, then shut it and picked up his glass. Jack, Sam, and Teal'c drank. 

"I have never attended graduate school," Teal'c said. 

"Hey!" Daniel objected, drinking. Sam also drank. Jack did not. 

"We're waiting, Jack," Sam prodded. 

"I've never been to grad school!" Jack protested. 

"What about advanced tactical training, or all the avionics and electronics classes we have to take to keep our flight status?" Sam objected. 

"Oh, for crying out loud, Carter! That doesn't count." 

"If a college gives you credit for it, it counts." Daniel offered. 

"It counts," Teal'c said. 

"Thanks, Daniel," Jack said, and drank. "I've never worn glasses," he said, looking pointedly at Daniel, the only one who had to drink. 

"I've never worn a condom," Sam said, grinning evilly. Daniel and Jack gave her incredulous looks and drank. 

"What is a condom?" Teal'c asked. 

" **Now** look what you've done!" Daniel exclaimed. 

"Why don't you explain it?" Jack suggested. "You're the linguist." 

"It was Sam's question; she should have to clarify." 

"Nice weaseling!" Sam observed. 

"Hey, you went to grad school, too!" 

"Well," Sam started, "um, it's a contraceptive device intended to provide a barrier between the male and female genitals..." Jack rolled his eyes, took a wrapped condom out of his pocket, and handed it to Teal'c. Teal'c handled it like it was a dead vermin. 

"I think it's safe to say you've never worn one," Daniel said. "Moving right along..." He trailed off as Jack took the condom package away from Teal'c, ripped the package open, and handed the condom to Teal'c. 

"You put it on your..." Jack trailed off at the expression on Teal'c's face. "What? it stretches..." Teal'c looked skeptical. "Here, I'll show you," he said, and, after a bit of effort, stretched it over his head. 

"Well, we've reached the highbrow portion of tonight's entertainment," Daniel observed. 

"Told you I have skills," Jack retorted. 

"I have to say, Sir, that's really impressive," Sam teased. 

"I've never worn a condom on my head," Daniel said. Jack flipped him the bird and reached for his drink. 

"I have never used a contraceptive device," Teal'c commented. "Certainly not one of those." 

"Are you going to wear that thing on your head all night?" Daniel asked. 

"After all the effort I went to to put it on, yeah!" 

"He's drunk," Sam observed. 

Daniel leaned conspiratorially towards Sam. "How can you tell?" he asked. 

"I think the condom on his head was my first clue," Sam said, collapsing into a fit of giggles. Daniel joined her. 

"Do not forget to drink," Teal'c reminded them. They drank. 

"I've never been on the pill," Jack said. "The birth control pill," he clarified for Teal'c. Sam drank. 

"I have! It cleared my acne right up..." Daniel announced, but didn't drink. "Do I have to admit that was a joke?" 

"I should avoid the joke about your being afraid your boyfriend would get you pregnant, shouldn't I?" Jack said. 

"Yeah," Daniel said, eyes narrowing slightly. "Besides," he continued, a dangerously pleasant tone in his voice, "that's what condoms are for." 

"Sorry," Jack said, and examined the label on the beer bottle. 

"Do we need to break this up?" Sam asked, placing a hand on Daniel's arm. 

"No," Daniel said, pulling away, wrapping his arms around himself and leaning back in the chair. "I'm fine." He looked around the table guardedly. 

"No one's making fun of you, or whatever, really," Sam reassured Daniel. "The colonel teases everyone. You know that." 

"Jack thinks I'm funny," Daniel said icily. 

"No, Jack thinks you're witty. Big difference. Jack also doesn't know when to keep his big mouth shut," Jack said. "I can put a condom on each foot if it helps." 

"It probably would if you're going to insist on sticking them in your mouth. After all, who knows where they've been?" Daniel said. 

Jack pulled out another condom, put his foot on the table, and pulled the condom over his boot. "There," he said, sounding satisfied. "I'm all set for the next time I stick my foot in it." 

"I think you should do the other foot, too," Daniel suggested. "I've heard you come up with a few two-footers..." 

Jack pulled out a third condom, put his other foot on the table, and started pulling a condom over the boot. He added, "This should also prove an effective deterrent. That stuff they put on 'em tastes nasty." 

"Sounds like the voice of experience to me," Daniel observed. 

"Nonoxynol 9 rubs off on... other surfaces," Sam said, wincing. 

"Sounds like the voice of experience to me," Jack said. 

"Oh, it is, but nothing you want to hear about or I want to tell. Bleah!" 

"I couldn't have put it better myself," Jack concurred. 

"Some of us are allergic to it, too," Daniel volunteered. 

"Is there anything you're not allergic to? Air, perhaps?" Jack asked, taking a huge swig of beer. 

"Don't ask, don't tell," Daniel said innocently. 

Jack spat his beer halfway across the room as Sam fell on the floor laughing. Jack then leaned over and grabbed a dish towel to hand Teal'c. Teal'c solemnly wiped collateral damage off his arm and the side of his face, with the wounded dignity look of a wet cat. 

"Should I keep my big mouth shut or should I try to fix my mistake?" Jack asked Daniel. 

"You should keep your big mouth shut," Daniel replied. 

"I think I know why the place I keep sticking my foot is a sore spot." 

The temperature in the room plummeted. "Oh, do you? Please enlighten me." 

"Sir..." Sam started nervously. 

"I've never been pummeled by a bunch of brainless jerks because they thought I was gay." Daniel looked up, startled. "It was in your background check, Space Monkey. You know, I'd be happy to hunt those guys down and pound them into the ground like tent pegs," Jack offered. 

"I would be more than willing to assist you in that endeavor, O'Neill," Teal'c added solemnly. 

Daniel smiled quietly. "Thank you, but no thanks." 

Jack made a frustrated noise. "I'm an idiot. What are you afraid of? I won't tell anyone, I swear. Oh, God," he said, "you don't think that **I** would..." 

"No. No! Of course not. It's just... a coincidence. It happened after the last time I played this game. We had just had a study session for midterms in a bar and were unwinding. One of the girls was freaked out and told her boyfriend, who was waiting over at the bar with some friends..." 

"Jesus, Daniel, I'm sorry. If I'd known..." Jack started. 

"You didn't." Daniel sighed. "And of course it was all over the department practically the next day, although I don't know how they missed it before because it's not like we were being discreet or anything. Okay, we weren't trying out for the PDA Olympic team, but we weren't discreet. Hell, he used to wear shirts with slogans like, 'I can't even think straight.' You'd think that would be their first clue..." 

"PDA..." Teal'c started. 

"Public display of affection. Anyway, some people made comments, but... well, I'm better at comebacks than, well... even when my ribs are intact pounding is not my forte." 

After a brief moment of silence during which Daniel thought Jack might strangle his beer bottle, Teal'c asked, "How badly were you injured, DanielJackson?" 

Daniel just shrugged. "I didn't miss midterms," he commented dismissively. 

"The person who compiled your background check was..." Jack winced. "... **thoughtful** enough to include one of the police evidence photos." He shook his head and looked over at Teal'c. "He was a lot skinnier then, and he looked like he was about fifteen years old and might snap in half if you breathed on him. They'd taken off his shirt so you could see the bruising better..." 

"I was twenty-two," Daniel retorted, "and I was **not** that skinny." 

"Let's just say it was the kind of stuff that might make a CO--sorry, pointy-haired boss--feel a tad overprote..." Jack trailed off in mid word as he noticed the look on Sam's face. Daniel and Teal'c both followed his gaze to her face. She looked up at them, then reached past her beer and grabbed one of the shot glasses full of whiskey in the middle of the table and slammed it. 

"Carter?" Jack asked. 

"I had a friend at the academy. She was discreet about it. I never even knew till after. She got busted at one of the bars in town and... well... you can do the math." 

"Damn." Jack said. 

Daniel and Teal'c looked back and forth between Sam and Jack. Daniel finally asked the question on both their minds. "Do the math?" 

"She was at the academy during Reagan's first term, Danny. Most of the government thought women should be kept barefoot and pregnant." 

Sam looked up at Daniel, "Worse, they were cracking down, trying to clean up the mess that was left over from the seventies. Trying to detox the whole military at once. If some guy had gone into town to pick up a girl and get laid, it would have been 'wink, wink, nudge, nudge, carry own' when the MP's showed up. Instead one of the most promising officers to ever set foot in the academy has a dishonorable discharge stamped on everything she has filled out in two decades and is probably living on food stamps." 

Sam leaned back in her chair and took a pull off her beer. "There was an upper classman who had been trying to get me into his bunk for three years. Wouldn't take 'no' for an answer. When he heard about it he decided that I must be a lesbian 'cause I didn't swoon every time I laid eyes on him. He and a bunch of his buddies caught me working late one night in the lab. Managed to pound me pretty good before I broke his nose." 

"Oh crap. That's why..." 

"Sir?" 

"The briefing before we went to Abydos." 

Sam nodded slowly. "Yeah." 

"Am I missing something?" 

Sam shrugged. "Colonel West was the junior officer on the disciplinary board. He was going a stint as a lecturer for one of the tactics evolutions. Phelps, the self-righteous little prick who pounded me, was one of his golden boys, so naturally West wanted to drum **me** out. Well, most of the officers at the academy either knew me well enough to know I didn't start it, knew Phelps well enough to know he did start it, or knew my father well enough to know that if I started it, family or no, he would be baying for my blood. With all that in my corner, even the Commandant stepped on West. So when they gave Major General West command of the Stargate program twelve years later... Well, he was never one to forgive and forget. He wanted to get rid of me, but he couldn't, at first. Around the time Catherine recruited you a request came through for me to consult on the F-22 prototypes. He used it as an excuse to get rid of me. Next thing I know, you and Jack have gone through the Stargate. So when Hammond recalled me I showed up half expecting Jack to be another West. West hand picked Jack to do what I thought should have been my job, seniority be damned. Then Kawalski started giving me shit about going by Sam..." 

"You ripped us both the new assholes we deserved." 

Sam kind of smiled sheepishly, "Uh, no, sir. My father was a Brigadier General. If I had given you and Kawalski even half the reaming you deserved Hammond would still be trying to get two grease stains out of his briefing room table." 

"Good point. What stopped you?" 

"I was seeing stars, and while I figured Hammond might back me, his shoulder boards weren't the only constellations in the room." 

"Ah. Yeah, I've had a enough stars fall on my head that it might have me me a little nervous too." Jack looked into his glass thoughtfully for a minute and a smirk spread across his face. "You know Carter, I have a hard time picturing you swooning over anybody." He leaned back with a smug look on his face, "Well, just anybody..." 

Sam smirked right back and picked up one of the open bottles of beer off the table. "Keep dreaming, Colonel," she said, then took a long, slow pull off her beer. 

"You have obviously never seen Major Carter watch her DVD of 'Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom'," Teal'c dead-panned. 

Daniel reached over and grabbed the towel Teal'c had used earlier and proceeded to clean Sam's beer off his face. "Well, duh," Daniel said. "Harrison Ford. No shirt. If you ignore the monkey brains and the heart-ripping, the movie's a droolfest." 

"If you say so," Jack said. 

"You're saying you'd throw Harrison Ford out of bed," Daniel said, voice flat with disbelief. 

"Not my type." Jack shrugged. 

"I don't think you understand the question. Let me restate it as multiple choice to make it easier. Harrison Ford. Naked. Willing. In your bed. Do you, A: Run screaming out of the room and into the night? B: Shrug and give it the old college try? or C: Gracefully swan dive between the sheets?" Daniel accompanied the last option with a graceful hand gesture. 

"D: Say gee thanks, Harrison, but you're not my type. Can I introduce you to my friends Sam and Daniel?" 

"Maybe you should just introduce Harrison to Sam. I'm not sure I can take the heartbreak. Bisexuality is just my clever way of introducing twice the opportunities for rejection into my life, you know." 

"I don't think you understand the question. This is fantasy, which means Harrison falls swooning at your feet, pledging eternal lust." He waved his beer in a toast-like benediction. 

"I dunno, Jack; we **are** talking about **my** actual feet here." 

Jack shook his head in mock disappointment. "I think you're underestimating Harrison. He craves your body. He told me so himself!" 

"Sorry, I think Sam should have Harrison." Daniel put on his glasses and started to say something, then seeing the color of Sam's face he turned to Jack and asked "What else is in my security report?" in a tone no one could have mistaken for casual. 

"Nothin' juicy about sexual orientation, if that's what you're asking. Not that it matters. You're a civilian; you can screw anyone you want." 

"Sort of." 

"Sort of?" 

"Well, obviously, constrained by such obvious factors as the interest of others and their prior obligations..." 

"Don't get all technical on me." 

"Fine. Let's use a concrete example. Like, my current social circle, which is basically you guys. So, Sam and I could probably get together and screw like rabid minks and no one would raise an eyebrow. Teal'c and I might get some nasty comments, but hopefully they'd be too afraid of Teal'c to beat me up or anything..." 

"They'd be too afraid of **me** , because I'd make them aware of the tent peg factor." 

"Otherwise, the base is pretty much full of Y chromosomes bound by that pesky 'don't ask don't tell' waffly crap. Like, for instance, you. I'd really prefer not to be a hostile witness in someone's courtmartial." 

"You worry too much." 

"That also implies any of the people I mentioned have any interest in me." 

"You're pretty cute for a guy." 

"This is just depressing. And ridiculous. Boo hoo, I'll never get laid again!" 

"That sounds depressingly like my life," Sam said. 

"What is **with** you attractive people not getting laid?" 

"Are you?" Sam retorted. 

"I... that's not the point!" 

"I take it we are no longer playing the game," Teal'c observed. 

"No, I think you guys have ferreted out all my potential blackmail material," Daniel pointed out. 

"What about my deep dark General Hospital secret?" Jack asked. 

"I'm just glad no one said, 'I've never had to go on a rescue mission to hell to rescue my father,'" Sam teased. 

"Aw man!" Jack said. "Can we start over?" 

"I've never had to wear embarrassing clothing on a mission," Daniel said. 

"Yeah, just you wait until we go on the mission to the planet of the Amazon women!" Sam retorted. "You'll be whining and I'll say, 'But Daniel, lots of anthropologists dress like the natives, so put on your ceremonial loincloth like a good boy!'" 

"I find that idea... deeply threatening," Jack commented. "Or is that oddly arousing?" 

"Just promise not to trade me to a rival tribe, and to get me medical attention if I develop terminal blushing." Daniel blushed slightly. 

"I can direct you to that planet," Teal'c intoned, before passing out onto the table with a loud _*thunk*_. 

"Damn, he held it well until he hit the table," Jack observed. "Who wants to help me put him on the couch?" 

"Not me," Daniel said. "I'm wasted... You do realize, don't you, Sam? that if you said the word, Simmons would drink your bathwater out of a dog bowl?" 

"Is there an eraser for my brain?" Jack asked. "Haven't we found some kind of Goa'uld brain eraser on any of our missions?" 

"I think it's my bedtime... Is there someplace I can pull up some floor?" Daniel asked. 

"But we just got you wasted!" Jack protested. 

"Yeah, and that's why I should go to bed now before I have to wake up tomorrow horrified about anything I do tonight. I hate when that happens." 

"We could put Teal'c on the couch and all crash in my room. That way, whoever it is you think you're going to hit on, you'll have a chaperone," Jack suggested. 

"Oh, like that's going to stop me if I get any drunker. Of course," he reflected, "it would probably come to an abrupt end when I got hives from the nonoxynol 9 all over your hands and had to go to the ER..." 

Jack considered this for a moment. "Y'know, it may be Daniel's bedtime. Wanna take my bed?" 

"Wow, you're really nice to offer me..." Daniel trailed off, then added, "Where're you going to sleep?" 

Jack wondered if that was a pass. He suspected it was from the tone and expression, and decided to play dumb. "I'm not tired yet. You tired, Sam?" 

"No, I'm not tired," Sam said cheerily. A little too cheerily, Jack noted. Sam must have read it the same way. 

"See? Don't worry about us. We'll just tuck you in. Come on..." The three of them staggered off towards Jack's bedroom, Daniel the least steady on his feet. "Here we go," Jack said when the reached the bed, and Daniel fell into it like a sack of potatoes. They rolled Daniel onto his back and pulled off his shoes. Jack pulled the blankets up around Daniel. "Sweet dreams, Space Monkey." 

"I really love you guys," Daniel murmured, then fell asleep.

* * *

Sam popped the aspirin in her mouth and took a long pull off the bottle of water as Jack sat down next to her. She looked at him, then followed his gaze back in the direction of the bedroom. 

"Carter?" 

She turned back to Jack. "Yes, sir?" 

"You ever think, you and Daniel..." 

She let out a sigh, then looked back towards the bedroom. "Yeah. Yeah, when we first started up the SGC I thought about it. If it weren't for Sha'uri, I would have been on him like dumb on a marine." She resumed her seat at the kitchen table. "I mean, what's not to like? He's smart, funny and the way he sort of stutters when he's trying to be assertive is just too cute." 

"I hear a 'but' coming..." Jack said. 

"Well, sir," she looked down at her water bottle and started picking off the label, "I've done the rebound girl thing three times since I joined the SGC. I couldn't be Jolinar for Martouf and I couldn't be..." She froze, then looked up at Jack. 

"No hard feelings, remember." 

She looked back down at the bottle. "I couldn't be Sara for you." 

"I never wanted you to be-" 

She held up her hand. "I don't blame you sir. If you'll pardon a personal observation..." 

"I think I'm probably too drunk to mind." 

"You and Sara had something together that neither of you wanted to give up. I think the two of you got over Charlie's death a long time before you got past what it did to your marriage. You put up a good front for a long time, but when we were trapped in that ice cave you called me by her name." 

Jack leaned forward and swapped his water bottle for the half empty beer he had left on the table earlier. "Danny's right, I never was that bright." 

Sam smiled. "You're being too hard on yourself. When you lose something, its easy to look for something to replace it. After my mother died and my family came apart, I joined the Air Force because I was looking for a replacement. My dad had to almost die before I even realized what I'd done. I came along at a time when you were falling back into old habits. You were becoming an officer again. It's probably not that much of a stretch to think that I slipped into Sara's place in the formation." She took another pull off the water bottle. "I... Well, as for Laira... if you had wanted to stay there..." 

"It wasn't like that, Carter. Once I got back from Edora, I think I realized I was just... well, settling. I wasn't in love with Laira so much as the idea of having another kid." 

"I'm not anywhere near ready to give up what I would have to if I had a kid. If I was I would have taken Cassie instead of letting Janet take her." She yanked the beer out of O'Neill's hand and downed the last of it. "God, this is too depressing!" She looked up at him. "Bottom line is, I've got to much of my father's stubborn pride to take second base. That's the reason I never had anything with Martouf, and the reason I'll never touch you or Daniel." 

"I don't think Daniel would confuse you and Sha'uri, Carter." 

"No, I don't think he would. If we got together I'm sure he would know exactly who he was with, and he would be content with me. He loves me, he thinks I'm attractive, but does he look at me the way he looks at..." She stopped dead. 

"Carter?" 

"I'm drunk. Unless you have enough condoms for my feet I think I should call a cab."

* * *

Sam stood at the window watching for the cab to pull up. Jack sat on the chair across from the couch where Teal'c was sleeping and stared at her back. 

"It's me, isn't it?" Jack said, quietly, trying not to wake Teal'c. 

Sam turned around and looked at him, "Sir?" 

"You think Daniel's got a thing for me, don't you?" 

Sam's reply was hesitant. "I didn't say that." 

"Not exactly." 

"Daniel was right, this was a bad idea. I don't know when to keep my mouth shut when I'm drunk." 

"It's okay, Carter." 

"No, sir, it's not. Daniel would never tell you. Not in a million years, and I didn't have any right to out him." 

"Come on, Carter, you know me better than that." 

"Sir?" 

"I'm not half as dumb as I let on. Just 'cause I can't argue astrophysics with the brightest person working in the field doesn't mean I can't put two and two together." He took a swig, then looked down at the water bottle in his hands and shrugged. "At least, when I'm sober. It's probably better that I figured it out now, than, say, while I'm fixing Daniel waffles and expresso in a few hours." 

"Should I stay and take him home when he wakes up?" 

"Go on, Carter. I promise I won't do anything stupid." 

"Sir, I think doing anything would be stupid. He can't help how he feels, and he'd never let it get in the way of what he has to do. I think maybe this is one time when playing dumb might just be your best option." 

"I'll take it under advisement, Major." 

"Sir..." Light spilled through the window at that moment. 

"There's your cab." 

"But-" 

"Go, shoo!" 

He got up and followed her to the door. She stepped out, then turned back to look at him. 

"I promise." he said. Then he closed the door and twisted the lock.

* * *

Jack opened another beer and sat at the kitchen table. He'd thought that the reason for Daniel's sensitivity was the whole gay-bashing thing--and that was probably a large part of it--but, in retrospect, the subtext seemed to be Daniel expecting disapproval. From him. No, not expecting. Fearing. 

Jack shook his head and drank, noting to himself that for someone who hates overprotectiveness, Daniel sure went out of his way to inspire it. The thought of Daniel pining away for him gave him a painful, twisted-up feeling in his chest. 

Sam wanted him to play dumb. His heartstrings didn't like that idea much, and neither did the rest of him. His brain tried to come up with alternate suggestions. Were long, heartfelt, "I value your friendship and think you're ducky" speeches comforting or torturous? He suspected in Daniel's place he'd find them the latter. On the other hand, were they better or worse than "I am so patently stupid I am unable to notice your obvious esteem for me"? Jack just didn't think he had it in him to break Daniel's heart through a feigned show of density, but if he would never be able to return Daniel's feelings... 

At which point his heartstrings informed him that Daniel was his best friend ever and that he adored Daniel to tiny pieces. They then snarkily asked how that was different than "love." 

Well, fine, his brain retorted. So tell the guy he's the best friend you've ever had and you love him, which is going to sound exactly like a proposition. And when he expects you to put out... 

At which point a more forceful part of his anatomy cut to the chase. 

He almost asked himself "What the fuck?" aloud. Obviously, it was time to have a heart to heart conversation with his dick. 

He asked himself, _Do I want to have sex with Daniel?_ His body's reaction could be loosely translated as, _Duh, ya think? You have for fucking ever. Practically since the first time you laid eyes on him. You never listen to me!_

Jack beat his head on the table with an audible thud, at which point he heard Teal'c stirring. Crap, he'd woken Teal'c. Teal'c wandered into the kitchen to investigate. 

"You have not slept, O'Neill?" Teal'c asked. 

"I don't sometimes when I drink," Jack shrugged, with perfectly feigned casualness. "Want some coffee? Breakfast?" 

"I feel unwell." 

"You're hung over. I could get you aspirin..." 

"I would prefer Dr. Fraiser treat this malady." 

"I don't think... it's just a hangover, Teal'c. I don't think there's much she can do..." 

"It is not 'just' anything, O'Neill. I am extremely unwell. Please arrange to transport me back to base." 

"I'll call you a cab," Jack offered.

* * *

They sat side by side on Jack's couch waiting for Teal'c's cab. Teal'c observed, "I was very surprised when you stated you had never had sex with a man. I had assumed you and DanielJackson were having regular sexual relations." Jack groaned and held his head between his knees. "Why have you not initiated a relationship?" 

"You mean aside from regulations?" Jack asked. 

"I am aware of those regulations. They are wrong, and it is your duty to disobey them." 

"What?" Jack asked, doing a classic double-take. 

"Love does not come along so frequently that it can be ignored as something trivial. It is your obligation to act upon it. You should initiate a relationship with him this morning." 

Heartstrings and crotch cheerfully voted for this course of action, but brain still had a few objections left. "Don't tell Carter you're encouraging me," Jack commented, leaning back against the couch. 

"Why? Does she not approve?" 

"No. Maybe she thinks I'm not good enough for him." 

"She is correct," Teal'c said. Jack gave him a dirty look that Teal'c ignored. "Fortunately, that assessment is not yours or hers to make, it is DanielJackson's, and if I am correct he has already decided in your favor." 

"Hey!" Jack said indignantly. "What am I? Chopped liver? You're pulling my leg." He looked at Teal'c intently, but Teal'c's expression was as unreadable as ever. Damned Jaffa! This had **better** be another attempt at humor... 

Teal'c's cab pulled into the driveway. "I will see you later, O'Neill. You should act this morning, before he reconsiders." 

"You mean, jump his bones before he comes to his senses? Thanks, Teal'c. I should have known I could count on you." Teal'c merely inclined his head as if Jack had really thanked him--he probably thought Jack had, Jack noted sourly--and left. 

Well, fine. How much of **that** advice did he want to take? Most of him answered, _Pretty much all of it._

Great. Just great.

* * *

"Good morning, Space Monkey." 

"Oh, God." Daniel winced and buried his face in a pillow. 

"You okay?" 

"I wish I'd woken up in time to sneak out the back," Daniel groaned. "Where're Sam and Teal'c?" 

"Carter took a cab home after we put you to bed so we wouldn't say anything we'd regret later. Teal'c took a cab a few hours ago. He's pretty put out about losing the game, not to mention convinced that a hangover is some dread malady that requires Doc Fraiser's immediate attention." 

"You should have reminded him how embarrassed I was guaranteed to be when I woke up." 

"Oh, I did," Jack said mildly, with a mischievous grin. 

Daniel groaned. "I'll never drink again!" 

"The rest of the team will be bummed. I suggested this be a weekly event!" At Daniel's horrified expression, he added, "Joke! Want aspirin? Coffee? Tea? Breakfast in bed? Harrison Ford movies? A hot date with my shower?" 

"Are you flirting with me, Jack?" Daniel asked. 

"I don't know," Jack answered honestly. "Want me to stop?" 

"I don't think the term 'want' would be accurate in that particular usage," Daniel said, then winced. Obviously, it had just popped out. 

"Does that mean no?" Jack asked, this time definitely flirtatious. 

"It means 'Is this a really spectacularly terrible idea?'" 

"Oh, probably," Jack said, sitting a little closer on the bed. "It is, after all, one of mine." Daniel's only reply was to bite his lower lip and lower his eyes. "You know what I've been thinking all morning?" 

"Aren't you straight?" Daniel asked pointedly. 

"Always have been," Jack answered, "but as it turns out, Harrison Ford isn't the only one who craves your body. I've been thinking about that comment you made about how if you were any drunker you'd hit on me." 

"You're not still drunk, are you?" Daniel asked. 

"No." 

"Good," Daniel murmured, looking up with lust-darkened eyes. They stared at each other for a moment, breathing quickening. 

"You washed your hands?" Daniel asked. 

"Compulsively," Jack admitted. 

Daniel asked, "Do you know what you're doing?" 

"I think I'm trying to seduce you. Is it working?" Jack grinned a rueful little awkward grin, and Daniel was lost. Lost, and realizing he needed to take the wheel. 

"I spent the evening imagining going down on you." 

Suddenly Jack's pants didn't fit very well. He shifted position uncomfortably. "Shit, Daniel! Skip right to the ICBMs, why don't we?" 

Daniel smiled mischievously, glancing up through his lashes to gauge reaction. "You like that idea, Jack?" 

Jack stammered, much to his horror, but Daniel seemed to find it terribly encouraging. Daniel moved a little closer and slipped a hand down Jack's pants as he breathed the lightest of kisses onto Jack's lips. Jack's brain sent out a Mayday as the kiss deepened. He'd underestimated the aggression of the target and was now the subject of serious pursuit. And if anyone tried to save him he'd personally shoot them down. 

Daniel was an incredible kisser. Well, Jack had some practice in that area, too, and good reviews. He tried to reassert his position as pursuer, but Daniel was ruthlessly pressing his advantage. Superior firepower. In fact, if Jack didn't want to come in his pants he'd better stand down. 

"I've never done anything even remotely like this before," Jack murmured into Daniel's lips, reaching his arms up around Daniel's neck. 

"It's okay, I have," Daniel said softly. "I know what I'm doing." The kisses, still soft, became more insistent. Daniel's hand slipped up and out of Jack's pants. Jack moaned a protest. "Shhhh," Daniel murmured, moving to straddle Jack's thighs and pulling off his shirt before reaching down to remove Jack's. Daniel's soft hands brushed lightly up Jack's revealed chest, followed by lips, tracing a path up to Jack's neck and nuzzling Jack's ear. 

"I want you now," Jack whispered. 

"Patience." 

"No patience. Now." 

Daniel smiled a sweet, dazzling smile and moved down Jack's body, unfastening Jack's pants. "You want this?" he breathed lightly, with a mischievous grin. 

"Yes." Not just the word but Jack's whole body seemed to answer as he strained unconsciously towards Daniel. 

"You're absolutely certain?" Daniel teased. Jack made an incoherent, rough sound, almost a sob of frustration, and Daniel made a soft noise of sympathy and took Jack into his mouth. 

Jack's last coherent thought was, _He definitely knows what he's doing._ He was vaguely aware of making an obscene amount of noise and practically writhing off the bed and couldn't care less. All he cared about at that moment was that Daniel didn't stop what he was doing. 

Daniel had the sad suspicion that this would be the first, last, and only time this happened and he wanted to squeeze an entire lifetime's worth of pleasure into these short moments. He wanted to stretch it out as long as possible, backing off whenever he thought Jack was getting too close, until Jack was making wordless pleas, then finally taking pity and pushing Jack over the edge. 

Ignoring his own arousal, Daniel moved up to hold Jack, kissing his forehead and his lips. Jack opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. "Shh," Daniel said, running a finger lightly over Jack's lips before kissing him again, then settling down beside him, nuzzling his neck and shoulder, hardness pressing into Jack's leg. 

After a few moments, Jack was amazed to discover his mouth still worked. "That was..." he croaked. Daniel looked up and smiled at him. "You're good at that." 

"I'm glad you liked it." Daniel smiled quietly into Jack's shoulder. 

"'Liked it.' Ya think? I don't think 'good' is the word. Maybe I should say something like 'mind-blowing.' Too cliche. 'Brain melting'? I think I've lost some IQ points. Jesus, you should come with a warning label." 

Daniel grinned, but the smile had a faint sad twinge to it. At Jack's questioning look, he asked, "Think you might want to do it again sometime?" 

Jack reached to gently touch Daniel's cheek. "Damn straight! Gimme a minute, will ya?" he said gently. "In fact, I was just thinking that as soon as I regain the use of my legs I should..." 

"You don't have to," Daniel interrupted hastily. Crap, Jack thought, he sounded nervous. You'd think after melting every nerve ending Jack had there'd be nothing to be anxious about. "I mean, only if you want to." 

"Oh, I want to, but you have to promise not to laugh, 'cause after what you just did to me I'm thinking anything I do will be really lame in comparison." He grinned a lopsided, nervous little grin. 

"God, you're kidding, right? I'm so horny after that I'm sure that if you so much as touch me I'll..." 

"You gonna blow?" Jack asked, running an exploratory hand down Daniel's chest. 

"I thought I already did," Daniel replied, the corner of his mouth curving up mischievously. 

"Smartass." Jack sighed nervously. "Well, now that I'm already as terrified as I was the first time I lost my cherry, I should probably point out that..." he took a deep breath, "you're the best friend I've ever had and I'm crazy about you. I mean, love. You." Jack looked up at Daniel's face. Daniel looked like he might burst into tears. Stricken, Jack exclaimed, "Oh, crap! What the hell did I say now?" 

"All the right things," Daniel said. 

"You didn't know," Jack groaned. "I'm an idiot. I suck at this. When you... I assumed..." 

"I thought you were... I don't know, curious? horny?" Daniel admitted. "I never thought you'd want me, let alone... so I decided that I'd take whatever you were willing to give me." 

"You thought I wanted..." 

"I didn't know. The best I was hoping for was fuck buddy. Shocked?" 

"Sorry." Jack sighed heavily. "I'm sorry." 

"You really..." Daniel started, but he had trouble finishing the sentence. 

"Love," Jack said, helpfully. "You. Yeah." 

"Really?" 

"I'm no cheap slut... any more." Jack laughed ruefully. "I've gotten serious in my old age. When I get naked, it's for a higher purpose. Not that I actually got to the naked part." He pulled Daniel closer and kissed him. "You're wearing too many clothes." 

"So I am." 

"I don't know if I have the manual dexterity to remedy that situation yet. You may have caused me permanent nerve damage." 

Daniel laughed. 

"The least you can do is help me out here!" 

Daniel artlessly yanked off his jeans and underwear and tossed them across the room. 

Jack stared. 

"What?" Daniel said. 

"I think you're the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen." 

Daniel blushed. 

"Now **I'm** wearing to many clothes." 

"So you are," Daniel said. 

Jack removed his own pants and dropped them on the floor. "So now that I've got you naked in my bed, what do I do with you? Any requests?" 

"More kissing," Daniel answered promptly. "I'm really into the long, slow kissing and touching thing." 

Jack gave him a skeptical look. 

"What?" 

"I was referring to the main course." 

"Yeah, well, we'll get to that. What's your rush?" 

"Being a guy." 

"Yeah, and you already got some, so make with what **I** want," Daniel retorted. He gave Jack an expectant look. "What are you waiting for? I want my kissing!" 

"This is SO not what I expected." 

"Would it help if I said something horribly cliche, like, 'Take me! Take me like a runaway train!'? Actually," he pondered, "it wouldn't, seeing as how that's kind of the opposite of what I just asked for. Hmmm." He searched for an appropriate metaphor, but only ridiculous ones suggested themselves. 

"At this point, I'm more likely to take you like an anxious virgin." 

"My point precisely. Relax. Sex is supposed to be fun." 

"Are you sure you're not a chick?" Jack teased. Daniel's only answer was to put Jack's hand on his crotch. "Wow. Definitely not a chick!" 

"I'm not so sure. Maybe you should investigate further," Daniel suggested. "With lots of kissing. I did mention the kissing, didn't I?" 

"I think you might have mentioned that," Jack answered, leaning in for a kiss. Daniel whimpered into Jack's mouth. Jack wondered if he could do that again. He laid one of his best, prize-winning kisses on Daniel. Daniel moaned and squirmed against him. Okay, maybe Daniel wasn't kidding about the whole kissing thing. Jack liked kissing. He could get to like kissing even more if Daniel was going to squirm and moan like that. 

Jack thought it was aimless at first. Just some kissing with Daniel's hands exploring wherever they could reach. It wasn't until he realized how turned on he was getting that he realized exactly how much he'd rushed Daniel earlier. This was some kind of ten-hour Zen meditation study of his body by touch, or something, like the all-nighters Daniel tended to pull. Jack started doing some explorations of his own. Daniel was deliciously responsive; he seemed to notice every little movement and moan his approval. Jack had no idea when things got serious; the transition was too subtle. One minute they was just doing a little kissing, the next Daniel was screaming Jack's name and coming into Jack's coaxing hand. 

Jack didn't know how much time passed, holding Daniel, until Daniel's grip around him tightened. "Hey," he said, smiling. "I did pretty good my first time, huh?" he asked hopefully. 

"Mmmm. Wow," Daniel affirmed, dazed, eyes full of contentment and satiation. 

"Yeah," Jack answered. "Sweet." 

"Oh, just in case you were wondering," Daniel said, "I love you, too." 

"Oh, good. I'd hate to take a terrifying plunge into a career-threating same sex love affair for no reason." He paused. "Well, aside from the bone-melting sex, obviously." 

"Yeah, well, I'd hate for my soul-killingly horrible unrequited crush to come to an abrupt end after a single blow job from me convinced you that you were definitely straight!" 

"Geez. You win." 

"I do? What do I win?" 

"What do you want?" 

As an answer, Daniel scrambled on top of Jack and kissed him.


End file.
